Talking with Your Loved One about Cancer

“My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer at the age of 70. My siblings and I really wanted to support her but did not know how. We found our roles and coordinated our efforts by first and foremost listening to my mom’s expressed needs and feelings, while respecting what each of us could take on our shoulders.”
Paula, Daughter of a Colon Cancer Patient

A cancer patient with the support of family and friends benefits from that collective strength, energy and love. Helping your loved one requires a delicate balance of being supportive while helping him/her feel in control of the situation. This page covers some tips for successful communication when it comes to the difficult conversations that often take place with the battle against cancer.

These suggestions have been compiled with the assistance of our special contributor, Jeannie Moore, Patient Support Manager with the Colon Cancer Alliance. You may also find helpful resources in our Getting Help section.

Educate yourself about colorectal cancer

Understanding the basics of colorectal cancer, such as what it is and the treatment options available, helps you discuss the situation with your loved one and others in his/her life. Our page Learning About Colorectal Cancer provides a starting point, and our Getting Help page links to several organizations with a wealth of knowledge.

Listen with compassion

Being diagnosed with cancer brings with it many emotions and possibly the feeling of a loss of autonomy or control or a fear of death. When your loved one expresses these feelings, your natural tendency may be to want to assure him or her that everything will be fine or to provide helpful advice. However, this may shutdown communication by disempowering your loved one or making him/her feel inadequate. Instead, be an active and patient listener by allowing your loved one to share his/her feelings openly. Also, provide advice only when asked, and frame that advice as just that, input on ideas for consideration and not mandates. Finally, remember that not all questions have answers, and it is ok for you not to know the answer to all the questions your loved one raises.

Consider the timing for difficult conversations

Sometimes you will need to bring up difficult topics, particularly if you are in a caregiving or advocacy role with your loved one. While it is important for you to feel “ready” for those conversations, it can be more critical to consider when your loved one will be most receptive. Dealing with cancer can be overwhelming, and there may be times when your loved one does not want to talk. When a discussion is necessary, think about when and where your loved one is most relaxed and least distracted, and then ease yourself into the conversation. If your loved one reacts strongly, be patient and initiate the conversation at another time. It may take several times before the full conversation can take place, allowing your loved one to digest the situation at his/her own pace.

Be patient with unexpected behavior

A person dealing with cancer may behave in unexpected ways. Anxiety, anger, denial and frustration are not uncommon. The root cause is often a feeling of loss of control and a fear of the future. In such situations, be a good listener when your loved one needs you and remember that your role is not to provide all the answers. At the same time, you should stay aware for signs of depression, such as when feelings of sadness and hopelessness or irritability and anxiousness become pervasive on a daily basis. If this is the case, encourage your loved one to reach out for professional help should he/she be struggling.

Be specific about how you want to help

Each cancer patient’s needs differ based on the person’s situation and personality. A general offer of help, while well meaning, may not be acted upon out of a reluctance to place too much burden on others. Conversely, having a sense of normalcy in continuing to accomplish daily tasks may be important to your loved one. Think about your loved one’s situation and personality, and then make specific offers, such as cooking meals, driving the person to appointments, or running errands. This makes it easier to have a precise conversation about what will be most helpful and also ensures that your role matches what you are comfortable with.

Coordinate with other family members and friends

Discussing the situation openly with other family members and friends of the patient may help organize the support. Keep in mind, however, that battling cancer puts a strain on all close family members and friends. Not everyone reacts the same, and there is no right or wrong reaction.

Talk with other people

It is natural for you to have your own fears and anxieties about your loved one’s situation. Sharing these feelings with people outside of your loved one’s immediate support circle may help you sort through your feelings without worrying about how you might impact others close to the situation. This could be your friends, others in a similar situation, or a professional support resource. Our Getting Help page provides some resources that might be helpful, and our Staying Strong page shares some suggestions on caring for yourself while supporting your loved one.

Respect the patient’s decisions

The patient may decide to take a route that you don’t understand or would not have taken yourself, such as refusing recommended treatment. After ensuring that all the information necessary to make a decision has been shared, don’t push the issue. It is the patient’s decision to make about his/her own life.